Shiny Happy People
So, here I am a few months after my pacemaker implantation. I’ve had some time to process everything that has happened in the last few weeks, months, years.. and wow, I’ve gotta say- It’s pretty cool. Now, stay with me for a minute here.. I’m about to turn into one of those people we all think are a bit too happy, I might even annoy myself a bit.
The start of it is simple, a few years ago I realized I really wasn’t happy. The root of the issue was that I had fundamentally become someone I didn’t want to be. On the inside, I wanted to be happy and fulfilled and I just wasn’t. There were things that severed the outside of me from the inside, and I desperately needed them to match.
I had already started to deal with some of the issues that made me feel sad, like my weight. I was being successful with that issue, but it wasn’t enough. I needed a more fearless look at myself. The missing piece for me was personal relationships. I was in a relationship that was quickly going nowhere, I had a few great friends (who I hadn’t seen for a long time), but I didn’t have any friends that could offer me support on a more regular basis. I knew one thing, I hadn’t been through all the pain of losing weight to still end up feeling like shit. I was lonely, alone and kinda sad. I had let myself become complacent and it was no longer acceptable.
I’m not going to share all the details, but the first thing I did was end my seven year relationship. The fact was that I wasn’t in love anymore, and I wasn’t sure whether I ever really was. This was definitely not fair to me or the other person, so it needed to end. I hurt the other person, but I couldn’t go on this way. I knew one related thing too, I was NOT going to do my normal thing and jump right into another relationship… Have I mentioned I was a serial monogamist? One right after the other, no alone time. Ever. I was going to take a break from the relationship world, and rightly so, it had been about 20 years since I had been single.
Sweetness, Joy and Light
I took a long break, and made some very important decisions about my personal life. I also had this extremely strong need for more friendships, I had friends.. but something down deep inside told me that I needed more. I had continued going to my 12 step meetings, but I ramped up the volume a bit. I went to several new meetings, reached out and took risks, found a new home group. I ended up meeting really excellent new people, and making some really strong connections with new friends and having a great support system around me. I even started dating a bit, and met some great people who I still call friends. Then, kind of out of the blue I met someone really special. We had a bunch of stuff in common and just enough not in common to keep things interesting. We seemed to blend together pretty seamlessly and it started to feel really serious. Little bit of an issue though, he was moving in a few months.. far away in the spring to finish some business on the east coast. We talked about it, decided to continue to see each other even though it clearly was going to get harder in the future. This was a tipping point for me, the decision to move forward with a relationship, even though I knew there was great risk of being hurt. I had been hurt in the past, and definitely had put up some walls to protect myself, but something seemed different this time, I wanted to take the risk, it was worth it to me. I loved him, thought he was the one. I was an expert at failed relationships, and my thinking was that maybe the reason they failed was because I had held back.. so I decided not to this time.
The few months slipped by quickly and *poof* he was gone. This is the point where it gets really difficult. A few weeks after he left, he decided to end the relationship. I felt blind sided and emotionally damaged. Getting dumped is humbling to say the least, but here’s the deal.. I had to remember that I have ALWAYS said I need to be with someone who equally wants to be with me, loves me. It just doesn’t work if both people aren’t in it. So, no matter how much it hurt I had to figure out how to let go. I also had to remember that this break up wasn’t really about me. I had done the right things, said the right things, acted sanely. I have no regrets about my part, I was fully present in my own life, which is the best that I could do.
You’re probably wondering .. where’s the irritatingly happy thing she promised at the beginning? Here it comes..
In the end, I get it. I mean really get it, it was a set up all along by some power greater than me.
I had longed for different personal relationships but I didn’t know why. I truly feel now that people have been placed in my life for specific reasons, none of which I understood at the time. He was there when I had my pacemaker surgery, fully supporting me and involved in my life, I needed that. I also needed to know that I was capable of having a healthy relationship, and today I know am capable of that.
I had felt the need for more friends, but I didn’t know why. They were there to support me when I felt shattered, and they are still there today to support me in my daily life. They have also been there to remind me of how great a person I am, pump me up and tell me how stupid he is for dumping me, we all need that from time to time too. Simplistic as it sounds. Today I know I’m a keeper, worthy of having a relationship and being loved.
I have even had some people pop back into my life that I haven’t seen for 15 or 20 years, haven’t quite figured out why yet, but I’m sure it will be apparent at some point. If I hadn’t had that inner voice telling me I needed more, I would never have gotten through the really tough stuff so I’m sure there’s a reason that I’m just not privy to right now.
And here’s a little clincher to top it off.. in early May I got into a car accident, totalled my car. Smacked my head on the side window as my car got spun around, but wasn’t hurt too badly. One of my friends smartly pointed out how lucky I was.. I cocked my head and looked at him, like WTF? He simply replied, “if this would have happened before your surgery, your heart wouldn’t have been able to handle it, and you probably would be dead.” And he’s right.
Call it what you want, kizmet, fate, destiny..
I am lucky (and grateful) for everything.