So, here I am.. on vacation in Cape Cod with plenty of time on my hands. I was reading a friend’s blog, and realized it had been eons since I had posted ANYTHING!
I would say shame on me, but I don’t believe in that.
I can’t even make excuses like I’m so busy, blah blah blah. I am busy, but it really can’t be an excuse. I find plenty of time to do other things that are way less satisfying.. so I’ve come to the conclusion that this gap in my life is like a couple others I’ve noticed lately. I haven’t blogged because I don’t want to put myself out there like that. I also haven’t gone to a 12 step meeting in longer than I care to admit either.
It’s not that I don’t want to, I do. I just don’t get my ass up off the couch or rearrange things to get it done. I’m vulnerable when I write, much like when I’m in a meeting. I don’t believe in going in part way, it’s all or nothing like everything else in my life. If I’m going to write something, it’s going to be honest.. if I go to a meeting, I’m going to be genuine. I’m me, and that’s it. Love me, warts and all.
I was thinking today how incredibly fortunate I am. I mean, here I am in Wellfleet a block from the beach, spending time with my mom and sister- two of the people I most love in life. I’m not at work, I’m not broke, I’m not sick, I’m not alone.. in fact most of the time I’m probably loved too much, if there is such a thing. I only say that because these people who love me so much still worry about all the past health stuff.. which I’ve dismissed from my head most of the time. What was once the only issue in my life has now become pretty much of a non-issue for me. I’ve got 4 years left on the battery, so I don’t think there’s too much to worry about until then.
And have I mentioned, most of the time I’m happy. Really really happy. Most of the time..
Most of the time I am full on the inside, full and happy. And then there are the times when I’m reminded that I could be completely going down the wrong path, seeing the crash coming, no way to avoid it, pit in my stomach, completely powerless. Those moments suck. These moments make me feel so raw in my personal life, that I’m kind of avoiding being vulnerable everywhere else.
As Amber Lynn would say.. “I hate my feelings, I mean I love my feelings, but I hate them. ”
Those are the moments that tend to rock me down deep inside. For such a strong, willful, smart woman, it’s humbling. Humbling to be so exposed. The kicker is, that it’s all or nothing for me here too. If I’m in, I’m in all the way. It’s just waiting to see if someone else is in all the way that’s so scary.